POLITICS | September 4th, 2019 1:39 PM

We’re still months away from the presidential primaries, which will take place between February and June of next year, but Donald Trump, never one to shirk preparation, has begun work on his debate strategy. While democratic candidates hone their stances on healthcare, immigration, and student debt, a source close to the president says his focus will be on the pejorative. The source credits the president as saying his strategy is simply, “Insults. People love insults. I love insults. Insults are great. I’m great. And the people know I’m great.”

It’s hard to argue against the approach; after all, it’s what got him elected in 2016. However, this year he’s going a step further than the verbal insults. Trump is planning a set of debate-stage gags such as falling asleep at his podium out of boredom and wearing an “I’m with stupid” t-shirt. If he’s feeling particularly lively on a debate evening, he’ll bring along his handshake buzzer or fart machine, or even employ the old tap the opposite shoulder trick.

When asked whether the president was at all worried about his republican opponents, Bill Weld and Joe Walsh, our source revealed that Trump was unaware that the republican primary existed at all. Furthermore, in 2016, Trump thought he was just on another reality show and was eating cheese puffs out of his Coco pillowcase while wearing his G.I. Joe underwear and watching Love Actually on VHS when he was told he won the election.