ENTERTAINMENT | October 2nd, 2019 8:55 AM

The news broke on Friday that Sony and Disney have decided to stay together for the kids; Spider-Man will remain in the Marvel Cinematic Universe for two more films, one more solo movie and one that’s likely to be an ensemble flick. Pop open some Trader Joe’s champagne and break out the Fancy Feast for your cat, because this is the news we’ve all been waiting for. It’s like waking up Christmas morning to find that you actually did get the Super Scope for your SNES, and now you can spend hours blasting blurry baddies and eating bologna and Cheez Whiz to drown out your parents’ heartfelt attempts to meaningfully connect with their only child.

At least, that’s how I should be feeling. Instead, there’s still an unshakable emptiness in the core of my being where I dare not venture for fear of constructive personal enlightenment. My therapist would tell you that I’ve dug myself a pit of despair wherein I’m hopelessly unemployable, my children won’t speak to me, and I’m addicted to TikTok and YouTube toy reviews; but I can tell you that none of those things bother me as much as did the mere possibility that my beloved wall-crawler would once again be appearing in movies produced by only a single large corporation.

So what gives? Maybe I’m just in a slump right now. It has been nearly three months since the last Marvel film hit theaters, and the first Marvel series on Disney Plus is an unbearable year away. I guess I’ll just have to cheer myself up by rewatching every Marvel movie for the ninth time instead of calling my mother for her birthday.