Health Column - The Anxiety Is Inside Of Me

LIFESTYLE | September 19th, 2019 11:55 AM

We’ve all experienced at least a small amount of anxiety in our lives. Whether it’s that school presentation you forgot about, that work presentation you forgot about, or realizing that you forgot to buy your children Christmas presents this year; mild anxiety is a part of everyday life on this blue and green and brown marble hurtling through a vast nothingness, only a tiny insignificant speck in the monstrous, deadly cosmos where I’m somehow supposed to notice that you got a haircut and remember to pay my credit card bill after I spent $176 on Candy Crush while I was supposed to be listening to find out where I need to pick up my niece after her dance recital. However, there is a more acute form of anxiety called anxiety disorder, which affects 3 million people each year in the US, according to a cursory Google search. This article exists to help disseminate the facts about anxiety disorder, so you know exactly what you’re dealing with.

First of all, if you’ve had chicken pox, the anxiety virus is already inside you. That’s right, there’s nothing you can do now to stop it from ravaging the softest parts of your brain. The virus feeds on an excess of yellow bile, exacerbating your already hot, dry temperament. You will experience a heightened heart rate and trouble sleeping. Your heart chakra is chronically inflamed, causing an over-alignment to the fire elemental Vulcanus.

All is not lost, however. Pursuit of treatments which serve to wet and cool the body can lessen your symptoms. Try sleeping under a moist blanket and chewing 5 Gum. Avoid venturing outdoors during the summer, in order to deprive Vulcanus of memories of his fiery youth. Spend time around many young children; if you can contract a cold or flu, your body will naturally produce more phlegm, which can help counteract your overabundance of yellow bile.

Remember to ask forgiveness from the deity Braddha Rudra on a daily basis. He’ll probably just laugh at you from atop his tiger skin, but it’s worth a shot. Just try not to anger him, because if he becomes Ishvara, then we’re all doomed.

As a last resort, some victims of anxiety have described relief after elective gallbladder removal surgery. If you’re worried about the cost, shoot me an email; I know a guy.

If you’re one of the millions of sufferers, I hope this article has helped dispel some of the rumors and stigma surrounding anxiety disorder in today’s society. Remember the helpful tips I’ve presented the next time you realize that everything that’s expected of you is impossible and you’ll likely lose everything if you stop and try to destress even for just a minute.

And really, I can’t stress enough that you need to avoid unleashing Ishvara. I’d really like to finish watching Person of Interest.

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