Google's Quantum Computer Determines Definitively Correct Toilet Paper Orientation

TECHNOLOGY | November 7th, 2019 12:22 PM

The future is here, thanks to an enormous tech company who has profited from decades of its consumers’ personal information. Like Michael Scott stepping out of his office to yell, “I declare bankruptcy!”, Google recently published a paper declaring their quantum supremacy, which is mostly just a vague term, but it sounds really cool. Google is claiming the achievement on the basis that their quantum computer performed a calculation that would have taken traditional computers an unrealistic amount of time to complete. Basically, they have a tiny computer that can do long division really fast.

IBM was quick to clap back, claiming that the computation could be performed in a reasonable amount of time on a traditional computer, “as long as you’re not an idiot.” Google, possessing way too much money to back down after such an insult, responded by tasking its quantum computer with solving the most ambitious and contentious problem yet: determining the definitively correct orientation for a roll of toilet paper.

For over 160 years, the debate has raged within both professional toilet paper circles and the general populous about whether the tushie tissue should hang over or under. Numerous scientific studies, including the initial patent for toilet paper, have concluded that over is the correct orientation, but proponents of the under orientation argue that their method is superior for cat owners, whose frisky feline friends frequently feel free to unfurl a fresh roll.

After over a century of heated argument and vicious bloodshed, Google’s quantum computer has the answer we’ve all dedicated our lives to uncovering. The unarguably correct orientation for toilet paper is for it to hang over the top. The computation reinforced the findings of previous scientific studies, but it also provided information to refute The Cat Argument. The results state that The Cat Argument is invalid because it is based on the fundamentally flawed assumption that anyone should ever own a cat as a pet in the first place, a result that not even the resentful babies at IBM can dispute.

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