If you’ve ever yelled so loud at that glowing plane at the end of your bed that keeps asking after every handful of episodes if you’re still there absorbing hour upon hour of The Blacklist into your ever-emptying skull that the desk jockey listening at the end of your Google Home Mini bangs his Gap-khakied knees into the bottom of his indefinitely-lowered VARIDESK and spills his venti Caffè Misto with a splash of almond milk onto the front of his cornflower blue UNTUCKit button-down as he rips his AirPods Pro out of his bleeding ears, then Disney Plus’ latest setting is the spine-tingling wonder-drug for your rapidly numbing existence.
The new option, called “Keep Watching Until I Die,” will be available in Disney Plus menus once a user logs at least 10 hours of content streaming per day for 20 consecutive days. “At that point,” according to a Disney spokesperson in a press conference earlier today, “we think it’s clear that the user has given up on any potential salvation in their lives, so we want to do what we can to ensure they remain glued to the deepening crevasse in the furniture of their choosing until the stream of revenue is exhausted.”
Once enabled, the setting allows uninterrupted streaming of Disney content until the last bit of life drains from the miserable, neglected sack of flesh that mires you to this cold, sad world. Disney is considering offering the option without the consecutive daily streaming requirement in a higher-priced tier of the service sometime in the future.
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