Blogger Upset His Coffee Table Doesn't Identify As An Environmentalist

LIFESTYLE | September 9th, 2019 9:37 AM

As the saying goes, “If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem,” or, more appropriately in today’s culture, “If you’re not part of a recognized movement fighting for some kind of meaningful transformation of the status quo, then you’re just the kind of useless monster who doesn’t belong in our modern society and you should just go die already.” Daniel Cranston, author of the popular blog You Don’t Know Me and You Never Will, So Stop Trying to Change My Opinion Already, embraces this contemporary ideology in his newest post entitled, “My Coffee Table is a Fascist, and So Are You!”

When Cranston purchased his FJÄLLBO series coffee table from IKEA last week, he expected it to come with all the progressive beliefs that any present-day living room fixture should, but upon placement in front of his LANDSKRONA sofa, he immediately noted the table’s odious lack of reverence for the world’s ecosystem. “I expected, at the very least, a brief mention of how long it takes for a plastic water bottle to decompose or an up-to-the-minute apprisal of the state of the polar ice caps,” Cranston writes, “but it just sat there with complete disregard for the plight of today’s world.”

Cranston says there was not so much as a polite reminder to recycle after placing a can of Jolt Cola on the table’s surface and not even a peep about the impact of auto emissions or the meat industry on climate change, even when subtly prompted. “Everyone is entitled to a certain level of societal enlightenment in their furniture,” concludes Cranston, “and if the FJÄLLBO can’t deliver, I guess I’ll just have to try the REGISSÖR.”

We asked an IKEA representative about the issue, and this was her response: “Who are you, and how do you know where I live?”

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