Black Hole Opens Up At Raiders Stadium

SPORTS | November 30th, 2014 9:55 AM

Every sports fan, or at least every NFL fan, is aware of the raucous, intimidating, and, of course, darkly-clad section of fans seated near the end zone at Coliseum, which serves as the Oakland Raiders' home stadium. The accouterments range from the simple black-and-silver attire with matching face paint to the more sinister spiked shoulder pads dripping with blood and football helmet made from the bones of impetuous rival fans. These demons of the bay gather forces in the stands with the singular goal of frightening opposing players into diverting from their touchdown aspirations and possibly, if the moon is full, curling into the fetal position and wetting themselves.

This fount of formidable football ferocity goes by the name the Black Hole. This moniker is a testament to both its color--or lack thereof--and resemblance to the astrological phenomenon of the same name, as whatever passes its event horizon is never seen again.

Recently, an event took place in Raiders Stadium that has shaken the foundations of those with even the strongest of constitutions. After a particularly emotional defeat at the hands of the division-rival Denver Broncos, the Black Hole opened up and overwhelmed the stadium in a manner that was never thought possible.

"It's just not fair," said a black-eyed devil with six-inch fangs amid sobs and gasps for breath. "Is it too much to ask to win just one game? It's not easy, you know. We build up these rough exteriors with barbed-wire and rusty chains, but we're still people on the inside. People with feelings."

When asked about his life outside the Black Hole, a headless Marcus Allen confessed, "I'm a podiatrist, and my buddy Joe collects glass miniatures with his wife. We just don't have the fortitude--the willpower--to keep standing strong forever."

If there was one thing to take away from the day's ordeal, amidst the paint-smearing tears and quick, self-conscious man-hugs, it was this: Inside every black hole is something no one has ever seen.

However emotional were the events of that powerful day, Raiders fans can rejoice in their streak-ending win last Thursday over the Kansas City Chiefs, another division rival. The Black Hole could not be reached for comments and I'm told they deny any events which took place following that hallowed game against Denver. No doubt this win has given their spirits the strength to once more harden to support the abrasive, shadowy personae they portray come game day.

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