Bernie Sanders Promises Free Hoop And Stick For Every Child

POLITICS | September 12th, 2019 9:08 AM

Bernie Sanders is once again in the race for the Democratic presidential nomination, running on a platform promising Medicare for all, tuition-free public college, and higher taxes for Jeff Bezos. In 2016, he lost the nomination to Hillary Clinton, and he’s currently playing catchup to Joe Biden and Elizabeth Warren in Democratic primary polling ahead of the 2020 presidential election. As he slowly comes to the realization that people respond more to gimmicky catchphrases and flashy promises than to actual, thoughtful solutions, he’s come up with a new proposal that he hopes will win the hearts of millions and, more importantly, collect their treasured votes like Safeway Monopoly tickets: the promise of a free hoop and stick for every child in America.

The hoop and stick are the instruments of the hoop-rolling game which saw its most recent popularity in the late 19th century, along with other heavy-hitters like game of graces and knurr and spell. “I just loved my hoop and stick as a child,” Burnie stated in an interview with Ye Olde Toys & Games Magazine, “and with just a quarter of a percent increase of my proposed Bezos Tax, all children can experience such joy.”

Sanders also touts the health benefits of the toy, predicting that millions of children will set aside the endlessly diverse and stimulating dopamine founts that are TV and video games for the simple, repetitive, and frankly tiring pastime of hoop-rolling. If this outcome proves true, it could have a significant positive impact on our healthcare system.

However, Sanders is not unchallenged in his newest political promise and still faces an uphill battle in the race for the nomination, as Joe Biden announced this morning that he is reviving the long-lost tradition of the naked Olympics.

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